Life below sea level...

The Dutch are trying to make me fat.

Its true! Why else would they provide such a wide variety of delicious cakes and biscuits? I had to actually stop buying stroopwafels because I can’t be trusted to keep them in my cupboard. They gradually migrate out of the cupboard, and into my stomach. For a while I tested the theory of buying mini stroopwafels so I could have just a small amount instead of giant ones. But that didn’t work, because then I just had to have more of them to compensate.

And then as if that wasn’t enough, they have to make the beer obscenely cheap too (oh what a shame). Its possible to consume the calorific equivalent of ten sandwiches without paying more than 5 euros. Not that I’m complaining of course. All I can say is, thank goodness I have to ride a bicycle everywhere or the results would be disastrous.

Meanwhile I have been trying to blend in to the culture here, with somewhat lame attempts to learn the language. First there was the Dutch CD, which covered all the basics. It was not so bad… I did arrive in the Netherlands with a basic grasp of some phrases. But there comes a time when you want to move beyond asking for train tickets and where the nearest doctor is, saying things like “Oh dear, my pancreas has fallen out. Can you help me?”
I was sent a free BNN calendar in the mail, so I thought maybe it would be helpful to learn each page; so every day I would be able to remember just a few new words. This is how I came to have the rather useless phrase of ‘welke stad in nederlands is helemaal op palen gebouwd’ in my vocabulary. (Which city in the Netherlands is entirely built on pillars?). This approach rather quickly came to a halt as I learned that the things written in the calendar tended to be quite obscene…. I think it was the day that I turned the page to read the heading ‘sekswoordenboek’. I think it would be wise to learn a few more basic phrases before I start memorizing different words for pheromones, libido and aphrodisiacs. Not to mention other things that would make your hair curl.

Meanwhile, while I’m trying to learn Dutch, I am also experiencing something known as the Erasmus effect. As a native English speaker it affects me in the following manner. The English of everybody around me is improving, while mine is officially getting worse. I find myself saying things like. “I will borrow you this”, and “Blanca say to me”. Not to mention using the present tense in any sentence where it is a vague possibility to do so. By the time I am back in Australia I will have to return to 6th grade grammar classes to gain any semblance of my former speaking capabilities.

I discovered another interesting fact. Nothing in this world is permanent…. Except for Jehovah’s witnesses. Here, in Korvezeestraat, on the other side of the world, they still managed to find me! Fortunately in Holland I have a distinct advantage….. their pamphlets are all in Dutch. It is very effective to play the ignorant foreigner at these times. If so desired, I could probably pretend I didn’t speak English either; by trying my best Erasmus phrases on them. “Are you liking my draw? Is your nose constipated? I am always having a lotalotalotalot of things”. That would get rid of them quick smart.